When I was in fifth grade, I transferred from my public elementary school to a private middle school in Manhattan. As I began to settle in as the new kid on campus, the dreaded moment arrived that is depicted in every American movie about school – where would I sit for lunch?

I walked over toward a table of girls, and sat down next to a girl wearing a soccer jersey. We quickly became friends due to our mutual love of soccer and math. I began to feel comfortable and relaxed. It wasn’t until after school that I realized my incidental faux pas.

A group of boys approached me and asked me why I was sitting with the girls. Didn’t I know better? I replied, no, I just thought they were friendly. I had a few girl friends at my old school, and it was never looked down upon.

The boys told me that I was obviously gay, and made fun of me for the first week. I remember going home to my mom, and telling her that private school was weird. She told me it was normal to have girl friends and that the boys were probably jealous.

When I got to college nearly a decade later, rumors began to swirl that I was still in the closet. I wasn’t and never had been, but was not offended by people thinking I was gay. I was aware why those rumors existed; I was emotionally vulnerable often, was physically affectionate towards my friends, and hung out with women platonically all the time.

The way I saw it I had a huge advantage over my straight male friends who didn’t hang out with the girls having wine on a weekday. In addition to meaningful relationship, I gained more insight into the way women thought about men and relationships, how to dress better, and almost certainly received more attention than I would have otherwise from hanging out with just men.  

I told myself that I loathed small talk, craved deeper connections, and became accustomed to the almost immediate shared vulnerability that women tend to exhibit in social situations.

As I reflected more, I noticed that most of the friendships I had with women seemed to have some form of sexual tension present, while the friendships completely devoid of sexual tension seemed to fade more easily over time.

SExual Tension & Attraction

Some people may claim that if you are friends with someone in hopes that you will eventually sleep with them, that is not a true friendship, and I would agree. However, having sexual tension is different from wanting sex from someone.

Sexual tension is a unique combination of energies between two people that may be composed of physical attraction, but may also be a spiritual, emotional, and or an intellectual curiosity.

Sexual tension can be present in friendships that have a boundary of no sex due to one or both partner’s marriage or partnership. In these cases, the boundary of sex is clearly off limits, and so the friendship may be easier to maintain knowing that boundary. ¹

In situations where both friends are single, hooking up might occur more naturally as a result of shared time together, or a drunken night out. This can be a beautiful or messy situation, and the difference tends to lie in the communication of both parties to convey honesty and expectations.

Women tell me that they often feel like they don’t know where a guy stands after a hook up. Is he wanting more or less? Getting feedback directly after sex can be difficult for men, as our brains literally shut down after sex. But a few hours or a day later, is a great time to check in on how he is feeling.

I made the mistake in my early twenties of trying to safeguard against women’s emotions by hiding the truth of my feelings if they were not what I thought she wanted to hear. But nothing is more hurtful and ruder than to leave someone confused. To be clear is kind.

Shadows & Secret Motivations

I had made conscious efforts to maintain friendships with most women I
have slept with under the pretense that I was doing so to be kind and
light-hearted. As I have gotten older and reflected more, I realize that some
of those relationships I was only able to maintain a friendship because I never
fully committed myself sexually in the first place.

By treating the sex and thereby the relationship casual, it was easy for me
to remain friends, whereas for some of my ex-partners, it was undoubtedly
harder to remain friends, as they gave themselves in full.

Other times, I believe I was utilizing women for feelings of validation. When associating with a person who there is a sexual history with, there is a feeling of worthiness and validation that arises. There is a remembrance that “I was enough for this person. I was wanted, touched, and valued by them”. That reminder feels good.

There is nothing wrong with feeling comforted by the presence of others, and I find strength in acknowledging those feelings. However, I believe its then the job of each individual to take a deep dive and examine whether or not the friendship is alive solely due to feelings of comfort or validation, or because there is genuinely enjoyment and fulfillment that arises from their company. 

Choosing to treat others as a means to an end will only result in hurt feelings and burned bridges. It is better to love those friends who feel easy to love, and simply bless the rest – wish them well but do not dwell on them and their choices.

Final Thoughts

My female friends have proven to be an incredibly powerful resource my entire life. In my experience, they are amazing listeners, kind, and beautiful to be around. I have learned a lot, especially from living with a girl roommate for 3 years, as to what the female experience is in the world. It has softened me to a degree that I think makes me a better therapist. They have awakened me to parts of the world I honestly didn’t know about prior.

Perhaps because I never had any sisters growing up, I always wanted to have some chosen sisters of my own. I am proud knowing I am the chosen brother of some lovely women in my life, and those friendships have proven to be just as, if not stronger than many of my male friendships.

Although the sexual tension – composed of myriad energies – may be the glue that holds many alternate sex friendships together, underlying all friendships is undoubtedly a desire to be around this person. That desire is one to be celebrated. And in its pure form it is love. Love is not to be reserved for solely romantic relationships. The love between opposite sex friends is less defined, and thereby more free – to grow, be spontaneous, and perhaps to die. 

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1. Of course people can cheat, but that is beyond the scope of this article. However, in short, if you are in a committed relationship and are nervous at the prospect of your partner having friends of the opposite sex, I would argue its less likely your partner is trying to have sex with their friend, and more likely they are receiving an emotional, intellectual, or spiritual fulfillment or supplementation from that friendship ↩︎